This week, Dr. Tony Alessandra delves into the concept of rigidity. Rigidity in communication and relationships is a very easy trap to fall into. Most people have, at times, had the opinion that their solution was the only “right” solution. Even more frustrating is the person who cannot (will not) admit when they are wrong – also an example of being rigid. Take advantage of Dr. Tony’s tips on how to recognize rigidity in yourself and others, while adopting the best ways to combat this trait to improve both personal and professional relationships.
by Dr. Tony Alessandra
R igidity can be described as holding the attitude: “My way or the highway.” It can also be disguised in such sayings as: “That’s just the way it is,” or “Those are the rules, mam,” or “That’ll never work.” Do those kinds of sayings ever come from your mouth? Those statements are indicative of a kind of mental paralysis. No new information is being allowed in.
Rigidity can be cloaked in a variety of ways that appear attractive, on the surface. You may value the fact that you are a high achiever, a perfectionist, and a take-charge or no-nonsense person. You should take pride in your accomplishments. However, an inflexible, rigid attitude can get in the way of even greater accomplishments and a larger sphere of influence. Maybe you pride yourself on being cautious; you do not like to leap before you look carefully. That is fine except when your caution turns into an aversion to taking any risks at all.
Maybe you believe that you know the best way to get from Point A to Point B, or the best way to make a chili barbecue, or the best way to solve the recycling problems in your community. Everyone wants you on their committee – except when it turns out that “the best way” is the only way you know how to do that particular thing, and you are not willing to learn anything new about it.
One of the things we can say with certainty about life is that everything changes. It is a task for all of us to keep figuring out where we need to hold the line on what we know and where we need to let go of the rigidity that keeps us from learning new things.
The fact is that at least since the beginning of the decade, there has been a greater emphasis on the value of collaboration, cooperation and interdependent networks of people. Who would have ever thought that arch-rivals IBM and Apple Computer would ever collaborate? But they have! Remember the hi-tech commercials during the Super Bowls in the mid 1980’s? Everyone watched to see what new outrageous ad Apple had come up with to sling at IBM. They were not rivals, they were enemies. Then they began to see the value of collaboration. At least to the point of being able to work on joint projects.
More and more companies are seeing the value of breaking up departments that used to compete against each other. Instead they are putting people into teams with shared leadership and a mandate to cooperate with each other. As those companies move from a hierarchical structure to one that is team-based you hear the same lament over and over: “Some of the people who have been around here for a while cannot seem to make the transition. They are too ‘set in their ways’, they have too much of the old ‘command and control’ style in their veins.”
If you suspect that you may have an underlying layer of rigidity in your personality that prevents you from being flexible where flexibility would be an asset, here are some tips. First and foremost, concentrate on listening to what others have to say. Not just passive listening, that is, hearing the words. But learn what is known as “active listening” where you do more than simply pay attention. Active listening means you suspend your judgments about what the other person is saying while you listen. Active listening means that you are so clear about what the other person is saying that you could paraphrase it back to them in a way they would agree that is what they said.
Being willing to listen without making judgments takes work. You can tell you are NOT doing it when little thoughts like “that is crazy,” or “she does not know what she is talking about” pop up in your head as you listen. However, if you are able to achieve the ability to listen first, and then decide how you feel about something, much more information and new insight will filter into your brain. That is because the rigid guard at the door of your mind has been asked to take a break.
Another way to combat rigidity is to admit a mistake when you have made one. That is so easy to say, and so hard to do! Start by admitting it to yourself. “Darn it, I made a mistake!” That is the first step. Some rigid people cannot even do that much. The next step is to say it out loud to someone who is affected by that mistake. “Sorry, but it looks like I have made a mistake here.”
One more tip: remember that in many things, the process is as important as the goal. HOW you arrive at a result in a work project, or on a community committee, or in your family affects everyone involved. And the process has a direct impact on the success of the next undertaking. Your ability to be flexible, to let go of rigid expectations, to allow for disagreements, are all measures of your maturity in those situations.
Dr. Tony Alessandra has a street-wise, college-smart perspective on business, having been raised in the housing projects of NYC to eventually realizing success as a graduate professor of marketing, internet entrepreneur, business author, and hall-of-fame keynote speaker. He earned a BBA from Notre Dame, a MBA from the Univ. of Connecticut and his PhD in marketing from Georgia State University (1976). Known as “Dr. Tony” he’s authored 30+ books and 100+ audio/video programs. He was inducted into the NSA Speakers Hall of Fame (1985) and Top Sales World’s Hall of Fame (2010). Meetings & Conventions Magazine has called him “one of America’s most electrifying speakers”.
Dr. Tony is also the Founder/CVO of Assessments 24×7. Assessments 24×7 is a global leader of online DISC assessments, delivered from easy-to-use online accounts popular with business coaches and Fortune 500 trainers around the world. Interested in learning more about these customized assessment accounts? Please contact us.